I’ve felt like this before, but only during the very beginning and rising waves of some type of drug-frenzy (of a psychedelic/stimulant nature)– right at the moment where the brain makes the connection that its peace is about to be shattered by oceans of serotonin and dopamine and god knows what else . At this moment, you know you’re no longer sober and that you are in for a ride – at the point of no return – though you still have control over yourself and your thoughts and in the face of what’s to come, you could sincerely act sober if you had to. What comes next may be different for each person, I suppose, but I’ve heard very similar accounts…Your body begins feeling anticipation and it gets a little cold; you feel as if someone suddenly opened the window and let a cold breeze in. You shudder a little bit and your skin begins feeling a little uncomfortable. You are trembling lightly, but you realize it isn’t really cold you’re feeling but a bit of nervousness –it’s simply the anticipation! You begin wriggling your toes and fingers and moving your neck in circles, then your arms then your other extremities, trying to stretch your whole body – like trying to stretch an elastic band so wide that it remains expanded rather than rigorous and tight without breaking. Your body feels hot and cold at the same time, though temperature has nothing to do with it. You are hungry but food nauseates you at the same time. You try to look for something on TV to watch and distract you, but you know that even if you have enough attention span at the moment, within a few minutes you will not be able to concentrate on anything as monotone and one-dimensional as television for more than a few seconds. You want to walk because you feel restless, but at the same time your legs feel so well-put together crossed under your ass as they are that you already know that as soon as you get up a freezing chill will grip your legs and then your spine and then leave you even worse (or better????) than you are now. You feel like you want to shit but you know that in fact you don’t….you feel extreme pleasure and at the same time utter discomfort, and both are caused by the exact same reason: ANTICIPATION! Then you let a slow, deep sigh out….ahhhhhhhh….and you blink hard, and everyone else around you knows that you have reached the first plateau…

Well I’m sort of feeling that feeling now, but I have not consumed anything. In fact, it’s been a very long time since I consumed anything serious. Though still certainly appealing in terms of insanity and…well, fun, an entire trip of any kind seems too arduous now; it would take too much out of me – not more than before, but it just isn’t worth it now (though I do have to admit, from time to time I get a savage taste for something, and with the right people, I may just fly high once more, I think to myself). But it bugs me that I am at this sort of limbo – at the place between sobriety and such extreme mental activity that it conjures up wild auditory and visual hallucinations and uncontrollable bouts of laughter – particularly because at the very best, once this feelings passes (if it does), then I will just be feeling sober again, and it will all have been for nothing!…

That’s why I decided to write this. I figured by typing something my mind would be taken off the feeling, despite the fact that I’d be writing about it. And it’s worked, more or less. I keep feeling it, though to a lesser extent. But now I have absolutely nothing more to say about this. Because the post was not supposed to be about anything else but this weird feeling that has gripped me so tightly and I whose end I just cant fathom. I don’t even want to go get a beer or smoke a joint or play the drums – though to be honest, I want to do all those things! Goddamn I hate this feeling, especially the fact that I don’t know why I’m feeling it!…………………….


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