Originally Published September 3, 2011
“Lightning flashes of insight into the mirth of a dark sky…”
The joy is in feeling eternal.
As it starts to work on me, it blinds me from the trouble ahead. The light seems clearer and shinier, and for some unknown reason I dare not try to explore, I feel 100%. Bright Colors are nice, but this calm is essential…
The first moments come unexpected. My body feels flushed. There is heat building up from within and it slowly seeps through my skin. Before I know it, the warmth has taken over my body and if I didn’t know better, I would swear I were floating.
An overwhelming calm wraps me like a blanket. I feel safe, but more importantly I feel as if I could completely be secure about the future, because I think that as long as I can sustain this feeling, the rest of the pieces will simply fall into place. It is an amazing feeling, because regardless of the tumultuous events happening around me – the thunder destroying me and the monsoon soaking me – I feel no worry; I am safe, as if in a womb. There is no worry.
Though my body remains still, I feel as though my mind has reached places few of us have seen or been to. I feel as though I’ve felt something only the Saints were supposed to feel.
But I hold no grudge. And I repudiate selfishness and egoism. So I don’t intend to make this feeling solely mine. I intend to share it with the world; to allow light to radiate through me; to inspire the fellow who thought about surrendering.
I feel no heaviness, and I feel no weight. I am full – not an empty vessel – but there is no strain needed to lift me up. I am weightless. I float. I am above the ground and above mediocrity. I am high above. It’s a feeling of eternity.
This is the feeling I felt, and which blinded me. This is what I attempted to sustain…..
But I couldn’t. The moment was over. The high became a low. The calm was suddenly shaken by a storm.
With eyes wide open – gazing straight ahead at the dismal future and the ensuing struggle – I realize now I was duped.
It wasn’t eternity: it was deceitfulness. It wasn’t empowerment: It was weakness. It wasn’t happiness: it was merely a sedative. And finally, it wasn’t life: it was just – and forever nothing more – a drug.
A sensation. A high. An alternative reality. But it was a drug.
Now it is gone. And now, in this erratic calmness – in this soothing emptiness – at the bottom of the barrel – after the smoke has cleared and the snow has melted – at the last hour – in this place of quiet, I reflect:
I was just getting high. I made no progress. I sedated myself….and now that is all gone.
The future is bright; but the road is covered in shards of glass, and I forgot my shoes inside a wilderness…